Be careful what you ask for…..
Matthew 7:7-8 states “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
I was at work, standing in the elevator praying. I specifically asked God to break my heart for what breaks his in me. It took about 3 minutes for him to answer. I had been called to help with a patient. As I walked in the room I felt my heart shatter. Laying in the bed was a single mom of three. There were pictures of her kids all over the walls. Pictures of her with them. Pictures of her with family and friends. Pictures that made you understand who she was and how important and loved she is as a human being, a mom, a daughter, a friend. As my gaze fell back on her I realized that she had tried to take her own life. She did it in the exact same manner that I failed at. And now, she would never be the same.
In that very moment, deep in the feelings of my shattered heart, God showed me exactly how heartbroken and anguished he was when he saw me in despair. He showed me how he felt as he sat with me in my darkness. It was crushing. The feeling wrapped around my heart in a grief that I could not bear. It was then that I understood His unfailing love for me and how connected His heart really is. I now have no doubt that He hurts when I hurt and that He weeps when I weep.
This has happened multiple times. Almost every time I pray this prayer and ask him to use me, this is what I walk in to. The calling is clear, the accepting is difficult.
“But God, I am not equipped….I don’t have the strength….I am wrecked myself. I am not brave enough. You want me to tell MY story? Why?!?!?!” My pleas were answered every time with the simple “You asked me to use you, I’m calling you, trust me.”
So I am trusting. I am stepping out in faith and I am asking, one more time “God, use me, I’m ready.”