2 weeks in. I thought I had prepared myself adequately. Knowing I would not be able to be as active as i need to be to stay sane. Thinking I’m ok with the inability to drive. Assuming I am strong enough to make it through a measly 6 weeks. I’m not even half way there and already struggling.
No purpose, No worth. These are the places my mind goes. Stuck in a chair watching pointless things on Netflix (can’t even tell you most of what I’ve watched because I can’t pay attention long enough because of my wandering mind) Too much time. Time alone with myself, with my thoughts. Unhealed wounds, self sabotage, doubt, anxiety and a rapid descent into the shadows. Not far enough in that I can’t see the sun but still far enough in that my grip is slipping and its scary. Narcotics make it worse. So I find myself between a rock and a hard place trying to choose between physical and emotional pain.
Again, I knew what could happen, I thought I had adequately prepared emotionally, it just wasn’t enough. This week was one failure after another. In lack of progress with healing, in PT, at home, as a wife…..etc etc etc. Its like an avalanche, mudslide, you name it. As it gains momentum it gets bigger and takes out everything in its path. The depression turns into anxiety, which keeps sleep at a distance. Temporarily anyway. When I’m so exhausted that I crash its a breeding ground for nightmares. One demon triggers another, who in turn brings an extra friend along to the party. Here I am, the unwilling host who’s too tired to fight. It’s not that I don’t want to fight or that I’m not trying. It’s that I am exhausted and with each step I take in the right direction, I seem to lose my balance and fall down another three or four.
It’s not a pity party. It’s just part of it. I don’t expect understanding anymore. I don’t even think I really want it because I don’t want anyone else to feel this way to be able to begin to understand it. I know I will push through. I know that I will be able to literally “stand up” and fight in few weeks, however, that seems like forever. A lot can happen in a few weeks.
I do see glimpses of Jesus. I know He’s here. He has strategically placed people in my life and in my heart who just know. One of who knows that music and worship help to heal my soul and ground me. When I can’t go to the mountains, this is where I find an escape with just me and Jesus. The problem is, in the middle of the struggle, I forget. I am so very grateful to have someone who knows this and can send me a reminder and a hope to hold onto. Thank you sweet sister. I love you more than life itself and I am so grateful for you.
I am reminded that it is ok to be right where I am at and that I am not alone. I have had to fight the lie that I heard spoken from the alter that Jesus is not where there is depression. This is such a damaging thing to say and so untrue. Jesus knows depression, He knows sadness, He knows despair. He weeps with me when I weep and he stays up keeping watch as I struggle with sleep. He meets me EXACTLY WHERE I AM AT and loves me through it.
So for today, I am going to continue to just hide this song, this praise in my heart. I am going to choose to worship until the chains fall off. Even if I have to do so quietly and repeatedly. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some mountain therapy with my husband. I just want to go where my heart finds peace, put this song on full blast in my headphones and sit with Jesus and know “It is well.”
If you need some hope and just a few moments of peace with yourself and Jesus, I have attached the link below. Just be still….listen and let Him meet you where you are.