Disappointment, Heartbreak, Anger, tomato, tom-ahh-to

Pick a word, choose your poison.  They all tend to feel very similar.  They intertwine into a tumbleweed of thorns in your heart.  Especially when you feel them all at once.   People will tell you that “disappointment is just God’s way of saying he has something better for you.”  Sometimes words help, sometimes they don’t.  I have heard a plethora of different quotes lately when it comes to my own disappointment and unfortunately , at no fault of the person speaking them, it just stirs up something worse.  Again, it’s not anyone’s fault.  People have honestly good intentions and just don’t really know what to say, God love them for trying.

I think disappointment would be easier if it came on its own.  But it doesn’t. I am beginning to notice it has it’s own little army of minions whose sole purpose is to add one more little outside element of deadly bacteria into a freshly opened, unhealed wound.  It seems little at first, no big deal, just rinse it off.  Unfortunately, it just keeps growing beneath the surface because it was not properly attended to with a little bit of extra care.  Before you know it, its a full blown problem that effects your entire system, wellbeing, life.

My own disappointments have come full force this year.  Maybe it’s God making me uncomfortable enough that something is forced to change.  I don’t know.  I can pretty much group my disappointments into one word.  “MISPLACED”

I have misplaced so many things already and we are not even a full month into 2020. Hopefully this is not an indicator of the rest of the year.  I was choosing to believe that it wasn’t, but now I’m not so sure.

Jens List of Misplaced Items January 2019

  • one fit-bit charging cable
  • one bracelet
  • 2 pieces to a training collar
  • one (not paid off) Iphone X
  • paperwork for extensive background check for highly desired dream job
  • one title to one severely broken down vehicle
  •  my hopes at escaping a bad job
  • my freedom from someone else’s control over my life.
  • Etc
  • Etc
  • Etc

I hear the sound of minuscule violins.

The biggest thing I have misplaced, above all, is my safe place. No idea where i put that. I also have no idea where I put my tool of discernment in who/what is safe and who/what is not. I’m finding that I myself can’t say anything because my words get twisted.  People tend to add their own little assumptions and meanings behind my words and take them down a road they weren’t even near or planning on going down in the first place.  They make up stories in their heads as if they have known me forever when they’ve known me less than 15 minutes. Some who have known me longer seem to still not know me and misinterpret the meaning behind my words.

Speaking my thoughts out loud is like getting directions from a really bad GPS app that will remain nameless.  

“Hey directions app… can you give me directions to my lost wallet”  

“Take a left turn at the next intersection of “where did you have it last” to “I don’t remember” lane and then a sharp right at “WHY ARE YOU ACCUSING PEOPLE OF TAKING IT?”  

Uhhhhh , actually, I’m just frustrated that I can’t find it, I never accused anyone. thanks for making it worse “Waze out of line.”

Or

“Hey Waze off base. Can you give me directions on successfully stepping into this amazing job opportunity?”

“Yes, take a right at are you serious? “Lane and then a left at “you can’t possibly help anyone in a domestic situation because you’ve been through one yourself” place.

Greaaaat!!! Way to make a survivor (you don’t get to call me a victim) feel like you just handed control of the car right back over to the jerk who should no longer have control of my future.

Sound familiar? GPS sucks sometimes doesn’t it. Which brings me to this realization.

So many times we go into this world unprepared ,relying on ill equipped people and ill equipped technology to give us direction over our lives. Relying on “people” to be our safe place, to be our justification that we are somehow good enough. Most often we end up heartbroken and disappointed because of something else we have misplaced. Faith. Our faith should never be placed in the system. It should never be placed in the people around us and it should never , ever be placed in the opinions of society or approval on social media. The result of all of that is actually being misplaced yourself.

The Holy Spirit reminds me that this world is not and never will be my safe place. Nor is anyone in it. Jesus is my safe place. Even when I don’t understand my circumstances. God is my only judge and jury and he is in control of my life. No one else. He also allows me to be mad, to be hurt and even to question why.

Yes I know God has something for me. I also know that he understands that is not an instant comfort for me and He forgives me for it.

So yes. I’m going to play the worlds tiniest violin for awhile and allow myself to be heartbroken and disappointed so that I can move through it and not get stuck here forever.

No one on Earth can take away a calling God has on my life. We will just fulfill it a different way. Gods way. So, I will keep His word close as my only GPS for life and let the rest fall aside. He can handle it.

I Just have to maintain eye contact.

Hebrews 12: 2-3

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

 

2 thoughts on “Disappointment, Heartbreak, Anger, tomato, tom-ahh-to

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